The Rise of Corporatespeak / gatorz doesnt like consulting

A friend of mine sent me this (long) article, and I just finished it after a few days of reading off and on. It’s really well done, and will hit home with most people who work in offices. It doesn’t really propose any solutions, other than to stop using ridiculous phrases that don’t mean anything, but figured this could also be a spot for people to drop in their pet office language peeves. Mine is that the emails that we send out to our guests and prospects are called “e-blasts”, instead of fucking emails, which is what they are. Minor one, but still annoying. Anyway have at it:

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Our SVP for my division was just fired after only 6 months and I think it was her over use of omnichannel that did it.

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Used to work for a boss that I swear just misused verbs on purpose to just sound a lot smarter than she actually was, and after using it once it just became common vernacular to her.

A 2nd attempt at a task was a “Re-Throttle”
A favorable variance to your forecast was a “Friend”, the opposite “Bad Guy”
A decision making situation is “A seat at the table”

Ugh, it’s insufferable…and we all become guilty of it through exposure, too…

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By the time 10:30am rolls around I’m usually living in my own Office Space reality. The constant flood of emails that do not pertain to my job, my department or even my region of the country still fill the inbox. The emails read as if the author has a stack of SAT vocabulary words, but for Corporatespeak, and know they will get paid more by injecting them in their soulless communications.
These are the key words that raise the red flag proving a human who golfs and drinks beer did not pen the email:

-Championing
-Cascade
-Streamline
-Pod / Cohort

As soon as they arrive they are “DELETED” in a way that would make Torben Ulrich proud.

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There is something so satisfying about terminating a useless email with extreme prejudice.

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I haven’t read this yet, but the title already infuriates me. “Corporations” don’t have mouths, vocal cords, or tongues.

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Happy Friday junior, everyone!

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Idk, Beyonce is a corporation by herself

Agreed. The amount of ridiculous “buzz-word of the day”, corporate jargon being sprayed around our office, is on the increase of late. It can usually be found coming from those who want to appear as though they know what they are doing, rather than those employees who can actually be relied upon to offer useful thoughts or ideas to a conversation.

I find asking them to explain their new terminology to the less up to speed ( like myself ) in the room, always makes mildly interesting viewing.

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Yup, that’s definitely a big point in the article.

Also just thought of two more that fucking kill me, thank God no one uses them here:

reify - what actually does that word mean
iterate - favorite of @MerchCzar from his time with Uncles Larry and Sergey

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You bring up a good point. Let’s put a pin in this and take it offline to make sure we touch on these other topics. If anyone else wants to join that conversation, feel free to drop me a line and I’ll forward you the invite.

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Overuse of acronyms. I hate it.

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Two that immediately come to mind:

  1. Circle back around
  2. any use of the word synergy

And it’s not there yet, but the word dashboard is getting awfully close. Literally everything is called a dashboard these days.

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Subject: Today’s Post

Robbie,
Happy Friday Jr.! I reviewed your latest submission to The Refuge, and while I applaud you taking initiative, we still need to be aligned in our internal communications so we present a unified message to all stakeholders.

Therefore, I request that you utilize best practices and copy all data from your post and migrate it to the “What You Love to Hate about Corporations” and expunge your original post. This is really a win-win for all parties and at the end of the day, makes The Refuge a place that gives added value to our loyal customers.

I am unsure of your current bandwidth but please make this your leading priority so we can put this issue to bed. If you have any concerns, please email me. (Please note I am currently out of the office and will be buried with a million emails upon my return. I will never discuss this issue again due to time constraints.)

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This !

Sometime within the last two weeks I had someone create a new acronym that already contained an acronym. They described something as the “WST” when I inquired as to what that was, the S was Senior Management Team, which is already referred to as SMT, so it was the Wider Senior Management Team Team I guess !

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See, perfect example here. A simple “cc @3wiggle” would have sufficed :upside_down_face:

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Corporate speak is just creative ways to tell your co-workers to fuck off.

“As per my last email” = can’t you read dipshit
“Per our prior discussion” = do you have the memory of a fucking goldfish?
“I don’t have the bandwidth to attend today’s meeting” = this meeting should have been a fucking email

EDIT: no idea why I replied to your post specifically but my point stands

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O M G

this thread has high prospects of replacing EAL for my weekly hate content.

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So many synergies on this thread…

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I’m glad everyone is so aligned on a unified direction

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