The Grudge Match: A Thread That Needs to be Deleted So Future Generations Will Not Know Our Shame

Dearest Mother,

I have arrived in my native Minnesota. The land remains fecund and the mosquitoes are as plentiful as before.

I have found rations this morning under a massive flag carrying the stars and stripes of our great land. The proprietors call themselves “Perkins” and they do not use organic eggs or carry any sparkling water. The coffee flows as freely as the rapids over Minnehaha Falls and they offered me syrups of maple, twinberry and apricot alongside pancakes I do not remember ordering.

I have found a grass driving range at a place called Brookview where I will hone my skills in preparation for the imminent battle versus the forces of @GRWhitehead. My lovely daughter Stella remains by my side offering encouragement with each stroke “Full Send, dad. FULL SEND” she barks lovingly. While she is with me as I ready for battle, I will not bring her to the grudge match, as the language might be too rich for her worldly, God-loving ears.

I have eyed a nearby fortress called the White Castle where I will inquire about 6 sliders, crinkle fries and a chocolate shake as noon approaches.

There are rumors of a battle on the 28th of August against Mr @GRWhitehead in a place called White Bear Lake. Coincidentally, this is the same day two men named Hall and Oates are threatening to play “all the hits” at the State Fair. Perhaps I will attend this concert as well and find a suitable bride for Stella to torment for the next ten years.

I will report back as the battle approaches. Pray for us tonight as we will go in search of Tigers at a place called Target Field.

Your loving son,
Lazstradamus

26 Likes

#meetinmahtomedi

2 Likes

If Laz can digest 6 sliders without complication it’s a weapon because the onion breath you carry for the next few days can throw anyone off their game

10 Likes

Where are you Laz?

5 Likes

Dearest Mother,

It pains me to inform you that we have lost nephew Rio to the Push Cart Mafia.

7 Likes

Watch out there’s probably snipers in those trees.

2 Likes

Backwards hat? Untucked, collarless shirt?

Was he raised by wolves in the Minnesota wilderness? Thank heavens uncle Laz is here to instill some decorum to this young man’s life before things spiral out of control with this mafia crowd!

2 Likes

(Hot tempered club thrower…)

2 Likes

I’d never trust a pre-teen that didn’t throw clubs.

4 Likes

#genetics

2 Likes

Yeah… With all his rants about food/diet, I’m gonna need video evidence to believe that he’d eat a belly bomber.

1 Like

Shots fired. I just took my new pushcart for its maiden voyage today. Weight off the shoulders was nice. I feel like a hundred dollars.

5 Likes

Welcome to the family.

Dear Mother,

I beg of you; Forgive me mother, for I have allowed my offspring to eat processed cheese. I fear she has developed an affinity for the dish they call “nachos.”

Our return to California is dubious.

Yours, Lazstradamus

13 Likes

Every time I read these in the “Captain Andrew Luck” twitter accounts voice and now that he retired I think you need to take the account over and just tweet these types of things.

4 Likes

(Need Stella to critique White Castle)

2 Likes

Dear Mother (if you will allow me to address you in this manner upon reading this.)

May the Lord show mercy on me, for the flesh is weak. I was unable to muster the strength to quell the demon that the natives call White Castle.

The patrons, (unlikely of any royal progeny) Inside the Castle smelled of rye and malt liquor. Stella went so far as to call these men “gross” and said loud enough for most of the patrons to hear, “I’m telling mom you brought me here.” Bless her young heart for not knowing that threat grows duller with each delicious morsel I consume.

While the fidelity of the “100% beef” claim remains nebulous, I enjoy this vice greatly, despite the judgement and side-eye being constantly lobbed in my direction by the young child.

I did find a moment of pride as she refused the burger, but the fries were too tempting. I fear I have created a monster.

Regretfully yours (with gas),
Lazstradamus

22 Likes

This warms my heart.

Also I am fully aware that White Castle carries the impossible burger, and it appears that you choose the cheese slider over the vegan option. When in Rome…

2 Likes

Dearest Mother,

Morning in the latrine was not kind, but I have survived the visit to the White Castle. I now know with great intimacy the pain cousin Enoch suffered when dysentery took him from this world.

I found myself very much alone this morning walking the tree-lined streets of a place called St. Louis Park. Judging from the bills posted in the gardens of the common folk, President Lincoln and the other Republicans would do well here in Minnesota.

I do not know what our creator has planned for us should we reach heaven, my dear mother, but if it is anything like Brookview Golf Club, we will be in a lovely place.

While the land at Brookview is damp and boggy, modern machines have crafted an 18-hole golf course and a par 3, as well. There is a firing range where patrons are allowed to hit yellow balls off grass for a price. There is even lawn bowling and a lovely brunette with brilliant eyes, a soft smile and a golden ring in her nose who may have stole my heart at the fancy “snack bar” where they sell provisions for travelers. Stella was once again denied the charms of her sparkling water and had to make do with soda water “from the gun” with a squeeze of lemon and lime (scurvy likely still runs rampant here given the many lakes.) Her request for sorbet was also rejected coldly. Fear not, she remains in good health.

A man in the golf shop named Joe spoke of a prophet named @Tron who hails from a land called Twitter. He openly mocked Stella for her curiosities regarding the land of Instagram and told cousin Rio that another prophet named Messi was superior to the false-God called Ronaldo. The children did not cry long.

Operatives in the northern part of the state, where the Ojibwe and Sioux tribes still run free on their native land, tell me that @GRWhitehead is in a place called Morehead selling his children to the Lutheran settlers of Concordia. It is news like this, mother, that instill me with the unyielding belief that our match is not one of Left versus Right or California versus Minnesota, but rather the eternal battle of Good versus Evil. I stand ready for this battle cloaked in the Word of our Lord and Savior while my human-trafficking opponent prays at the altar of excess.

We travel to nearby Edina tomorrow to raise monies and supplies for those who the Lord did not bless in this life, but who shall inherit His kingdom in the next. I fear a storm approaches as my knees ache and the leeches cling to my testicles like molasses on a pocket knife. If the weather does not bless us at sunrise I will likely return to Brookview and try and make an honest woman out of the gold-nosed Gypsy.

Cousin Rio has introduced Stella to a parlor game called Fortnite. She has not uttered a word in over 2 hours. We must prevail in this life, dear mother, as the next generation is bereft of any and all hope.

Lovingly Yours,
Lazstradamus

30 Likes

I can’t believe this is finally happening

4 Likes